First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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