I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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