my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
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Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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