yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
