dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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