I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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