It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
