if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Randomize
