I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Randomize
