you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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