Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
How drunk are you?
Completed.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize