I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
