Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Randomize
