i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
