smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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