My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
