Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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