...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Floor bacon is actually really good
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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