I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
