So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
