Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
