you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
