It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Sober January is a disaster.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
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