he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
