We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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