Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
