you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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