she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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