My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
