did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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