So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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