I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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