dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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