So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
