God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
