brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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