I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
29 Of The Most Hilarious And Embarrassing Walks Of Shame Ever
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
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I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.