How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.