God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Randomize
