I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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