So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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