Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Randomize
