need another drink. this is the easiest way
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
