dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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