He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
