but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I need to calm my uterus...
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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