JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
