My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
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