good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
