im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
