I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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