Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
