OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
there is glitter all over my balls
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