Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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