I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
