No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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