she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
